Mary Tavernini Dowling

PERSONAL LANDMARK

We see this beautiful 5’9” tall woman with cascades of brunette hair and a great big smile, named Mary. Who is Mary Tavernini Dowling?

Paige at Jessica and Company does her thick beautiful hair every month. Her dentist Carla Skates who thinks she got the best teeth. She did go to see about having her teeth straightened because she did not have that done when she was young. Her parents, of course, wanted all their kids to have orthodontia but Mary refused because she thought braces would make her look younger and she enjoyed looking older in her teens. So, when she finally went in to have her teeth straightened, Dr. Jamieson said, ‘ when you get to be your age, you might want to rethink that.’ So, she never had it done. So, when someone said she has a nice smile, she appreciates that. She sees her smile as all crooked and crazy.

EDUCATION

Mary attended one semester at NMU. When she was in High School, she got a part-time job at a little boutique called, “ The Cat’s Meow”. Mary was the only employee and she convinced the owner to do the buying in New York and Chicago. When she graduated (from high school), she enrolled at Northern for a general business degree, but she was having a difficult time. She was constantly disagreeing with or challenging what her professors were telling her because she had just come back from a buying trip to New York. At that age, she understood the economics already.

Mary’s Dad and she would have a little pow-wow every day after work and school. ” What did you learn today?” Her dad would ask. She was complaining that she wasn’t happy. He said: “If you don’t like it, why don’t you buy the Cat’s Meow and just own it?” “Don’t I need money for that?” And he said: “Well, you’ve saved enough, and if I (make a) match you will.” So she proposed to the owners that Mary would become the owner. They were happy to sell it (the Cat’s Meow) so she took it over at 19. She left school to do that (run it) and she figured she would go back later. She just never has.

INSPIRATION

What is it that makes you such a happy, great person? Who is your inspiration? What inspired you?

Mary spoke of her dad highly. “My dad, so much and my mother. Those are my two big inspirations.” We asked her where she gets her strength, ambition, and dedication ( devotion)? Was she born or cultivated? Mary answers without hesitation;” Gratitude, a very strong faith and believing that we aren’t here for ourselves. We’re here for each other. What if everyone on earth just turned to the next person and said: ‘How can I serve you?’ We don’t have to worry about serving ourselves when we’re serving each other. I think that’s the whole driver for me.“

I still remember the greeting that you used when you had your own company. What was it? Left me that strong impression, I still admire it very much.

” ‘At your Service’ I don’t know if it was Earl Nightingale or some motivational speaker who said that. You can get everything in the world that you want if you dedicate yourself to helping other people get what they need. When you do that, somehow the rest just flows. I remember learning that when I was in sales back in Milwaukee. Being the top salesperson in the entire country for whatever company I worked for. Everyone was asking: ‘What’s your secret?’ It’s not a secret. A bunch of people has been saying it for years and years. When you’re in front of a customer, don’t try to sell them this item say, ‘So, what are the problems that you’re having right now?’ and figure out if that item will help them solve this problem. If it does, tell them about it. If it doesn’t, move on to the next one until you find someone for whom it is an actual, authentic fit. It started in the whole sales thing, but it’s just a great life lesson.”

WORK EXPERIENCES

Fortunately, Mary feels that she has been blessed to work for some great people who took her under their wing. One of the best examples was when she worked for Bell South headquartered in Atlanta. Her office was in Milwaukee where she worked there four years. She got to shadow the marketing department, the executives, the CEOs. It was just great for her. For whatever she didn’t know, she would seek out people who were experts at that, and they would share their knowledge and wisdom with her. So, she could become proficient at accounting, finance, and all of the different parts of the business that she didn’t have experience in.

As interviewers, we think that this is an encouraging lesson for women who might be 19, asking what to do with their lives, and to hear from someone who has struck out on her own and been able to take advantage of, essentially, on the job training, and who lined up her own mentors.

Mary agrees with us saying that “ Don’t wait for someone to bring you a program – go get it!”

CAREER

Mary has had probably about six significant jobs, starting in fashion (that was her favorite). Then she went into telecommunications, and that led her to the Cellular Business, and that led into marketing and communications. And then from there, she became part of Beacon House.

BEACON HOUSE

HISTORY of BEACON HOUSE

” Beacon House came from the Women’s Auxiliary at the Hospital – Lynn Hammerstrom was one of the original people. It started out as a little house that the Hospital (MGH) owned. The Auxiliary convinced the hospital to give them for hospitality. That little house was right across from the hospital on College Avenue. It was for cancer patients because they were sleeping in their cars and bathing in public washrooms and sleeping in stairwells. These were just things that BH was not going to let our neighbors do. BH wanted people to have their dignity. Just because they’re sick and far away from home and maybe don’t have a lot of money doesn’t mean they are lesser human beings and don’t deserve the same type of care and concern as the rest of people.”

” This little house started and it overflowed into a second little house. Then the hospital called and said: ‘We need those houses for a parking lot and plan to bulldoze it.’ That’s when the Village Inn (Hotel) came up for sale. Beacon House supporters broke off from the hospital and created their own 501(c)3 nonprofit organization. There were multiple people on the board who were a wonderful group: physicians, surgeons, spouses, and community leaders. The Hospital was helping to fund it. The Board went to the bank and took out a loan for $ 1.5 million dollars to buy (the hotel) to renovate it, and to operate it.”

Whenever we hear about Beacon House, we think about Mary and Sue LeGalley. We wonder how, why and when Beacon House has started?

As we guessed it was through her friendship with Sue Legally. Sue has been either the President or Vice President of the Board all the time that Mary has been aware of Beacon House. Most critically, Mary got involved 7 ½ years ago when the MGH ( Marquette General Hospital ) had been one of the original funding sources, donating $250,000 per year for operations. When the MGH were going through their financial crisis and selling off to the new hospital (Duke/LifePoint’s UP Health Systems), they stopped funding Beacon House altogether. So, half of the Beacon House Board of Directors at the time said: “Well, that’s it. That’s the end of us. Let’s lock up on Friday at 5 o’clock and give the building back to the bank. Bankrupt! Foreclose!.”

And all those things and the other half, the side that Sue was on, said: “Over my dead body! The people we started to do this for still need us. That need is never going to go away, even though that money went away, we have to try something different!” So that’s when the Beacon House Board did the first Celebrity Golf Outing. Two months before the event, they found that the gentleman doing the fundraising had not actually raised any money. Mary was asked if she would help. The community embraced the Golf Outing.

They responded to sponsorships with love. They understood what and why the Beacon House staff was doing. That was the beginning of the annual event from then on. Mary thinks her hometown background helped her to win support.

ACTUAL HANDS ON

Mary started working (at Beacon House) just to help with the Golf Outing, but then she met the people that BEACON HOUSE was serving. Every day, she met people that stayed at Beacon House. Mary fell absolutely in love with what BEACON HOUSE was doing and decided to stay on board, go full-time to help however she could, to get the money where it needed to be. Then eventually the staff took over more projects: the Hospitality Rooms at the hospital, the Gift Shop, the Coffee Shop, and the Wig Salon. They all ended up coming under 501(c)3. They needed a CEO: Mary was already there and happy to do it. Everyone seemed to like her. So, Mary has been there ever since.

BEACON HOUSE FUNDRAISING

Mary described that it was difficult to figure out how to run the organization without the hospital support funding. Mary stated that Marquette is the biggest city in the UP but it is not Chicago or Atlanta. then we don’t have major corporations’ headquarters in Marquette or major businesses here. There was nowhere to turn. Mary heard this more than often from local managers, “I have no authority and you have to contact corporate headquarters.”

Mary then realized that: ” There isn’t going to be that one big source, there’s going to have to be a lot of small support that will have to add up.” That’s where her work came in, and where all the time (is spent) to try to get all that to total up to what one big corporation would do (accomplish). “ That’s what we’ve been doing for the last 7 1/2 years, and I get tired sometimes, but it’s worth it.”

GUESTS AT BEACON HOUSE

These are the situations the BH staff is dealing with

People far from home and unable to find a way to cope on their own
Someone is diagnosed with cancer and all they can think about is how much it is going to cost to get the treatment they need
The financial impact of getting sick makes some people think that they should just give up and not get the care they need, so they don’t end up putting their family in debt

The staff explains to guests

“No one will be left to take care of your loved one if you don’t take care of yourself.”
” There is a lesson to learn from everything that we go through, even bad experiences.”
“There will always be someone who cares about you, and you will never be alone.”

Mary sparkles up again. “ Let me explain. It’s inspiring just to meet one guest, and so far, there’ve been 250,000 guest nights. That’s a lot of nights somebody didn’t sleep in their car.” Mary is excited about telling us this story. “A little more about the volunteers. This Mom and Dad stayed in one of the hospitality rooms that we run at the Hospital. They were suffering with a life and death situation with their child. The Beacon House Volunteers and Staff were the people that came back to them and said: ‘ You need something to eat . . . Let’s get you a cup of tea . . . or: I’ll stay and watch. Don’t worry about the phone ringing. I’ll listen for the phone – you need your shower, or whatever.’ But that’s what my team (of volunteers) does.”

BEACON HOUSE FUNDRAISING

We asked her how it is going with the Beacon House fundraising as that is her first main concern and love. Mary simply said that it is getting better every day. “ Last week we received a grant from CCI (Cleveland Cliffs, International) for $250,000. We have been working on it for three months. CCI were ready to decide which spot they wanted to put their money. CCI came and visited Marquette and Minnesota and Ohio and several other places.” Mary was not sure who else they funded but she is so proud that they resonated with Beacon House. CCI spent almost an entire day with Mary and wanted to know the history, where Beacon House was going, what Beacon House vision was, who was supporting BH, and the level of debt. CCI wanted to know everything about BH and Mary gave them all the information (everything), and it worked.

GOAL FOR BEACON HOUSE

As Mary points out CCI has a lot of different places that they could choose to put their attention and money. She thinks that CCI was impressed with their efforts and because Beacon House got so much support from the community. ” Perhaps CCI might not be so interested in supporting an effort that was largely funded by a single sponsor. Just because here in the UP we don’t have one major corporate headquarter, it poses a big obstacle to reach our goal. Perhaps, that’s why CCI was sympathetic.”

DEADLINE FOR OPENING THE NEW BEACON HOUSE

“Spring 2019 is when we’ll break ground. We’ll invite you to the ribbon cutting in the Fall of 2019.”

“ This fall is I think the soonest, the most realistic. Right now, I’m just under 2 million dollars in pledges and donations. That last million I’m looking for between now and Dec 31. If you can see it in your head you can make it happen. We had a little pledge party down at the Hampton Inn for the Board and this man that I casually know from church said, Are you confident that this is going to happen? I replied. As God is my witness, we are going to make this happen. I put my hand out, and a huge American eagle flew by. OH, my God it was enormous and it was like, THAT close. And he goes, Whoa, I believe you now! ”

MOTIVATION

Mary does not remember a time in her life when she ever wanted or needed anything that she didn’t think that it was up to anyone else to do it for her but to do it herself. And that was maybe the way she was raised. She didn’t wait for anyone else to make that happen for her. “If you want it, go make it happen yourself.”

Mary begs us turn that focus out. The power that we have inside us to help other people. ” Use that for good. Nothing is more incredible in the world than that.”

I, Eunai Danek, asked her opinion about the WOW website that I am creating. ” Your comment about building your own mentoring network. If only more women knew that and took it upon themselves to build their own networks, it’s okay to do that. You don’t have to wait for somebody to build it for you.” That message is very powerful for us- the WOW site is everyone.

PLANS

Mary is proud of saying, “ Beacon House is the seven years I have left of working. I am going to give Beacon House every minute that I have. When I’m at the age when I can draw Social Security, I think I will dedicate the rest of my life to being a volunteer. As long as, I have a job I want to do something that’s meaningful. I’d love to start training people to take over Beacon House in the future. I’d love to have it endowed so that nobody else ever has to have the stress of: How do we make this work financially? That is the worst stress. If we get it built with no debt, endowed so that all of the expenses come right from a Foundation, then I’m just going to retire as the happiest person alive. Then I can just be a volunteer in whatever way people need me.“

PUBLIC SPEAKING

It is said that for Americans, the number one fear is public speaking, even worse than the fear of death. This is what we have heard from psychologists. But Mary is comfortable with public speaking. We asked Mary that we hardly ever see her without a microphone in her hand. We wondered if she can give some tips on what’s going through her head as she starts a presentation.

Mary thinks the reason that she is not afraid of public speaking is that she has something so magnificent to say; Something she is so passionate about Beacon House. “ It is so easy that the good they do – to know how many people Beacon House has helped. And that the only thing standing between us being part of Beacon House (and not) is just getting that information. I’m simply chomping at the bit, excited to tell you more, or maybe find out more about you so that I can find that thing that would connect us and make you want to be part of us. If I’m on (in front of) a TV camera I know my audience is the entire Upper Peninsula of Michigan. What’s the one most important thing that will resonate with this large group of people.”

Mary thinks it is so easy to be intimidated- when she was surrounded with these people, these incredibly successful, incredibly passionate and phenomenal people with skills beyond what she ever will have. But knowing that they all came to an event about Beacon House made her think: “Let’s not waste anybody’s time. You are giving something really precious of yourselves. Let me make it worthwhile !” When you focus on yourself when you think: “Omigosh I’m 50 pounds heavier than time I moved back to Marquette” or “My makeup didn’t go right” or “ I never got a chance to go home and change my clothes . . .” Mary added, “ When you focus on yourself, that’s where insecurity comes from. When you project out, when you look at the people’s eyes in front of you, when you SEE them, you FORGET all about yourself and that’s when your fears go away.”

STAGE FRIGHT

Mary started modeling in fashion shows when she was very young and there is always that oooh before she went out, but as soon as she hit the stage and people responded positively to her, she felt good and wanted to give them something back. She remembers modeling a string bikini with a sarong at the Scarlett Ohara’s show back in the day. She remembers pulling the sarong off and hearing her mother in the very back give a loud gasp. She just turned to her mom and whipped the little sarong off and waved it in the air. “Well, give ‘em something. Would you believe she was 15 at the time?”

At the Khouli’s backyard party, our interviewer noticed that as Mary started talking into the microphone, out there on the lawn there’s a good stiff breeze coming up off the lake. “You’ve got the wind blowing your hair in your face, you did not get distracted at all. When something does not go right, how do you keep together and we found out that you are scared to death of bees, there was a bee’s nest right next to you. That is a lot to try to keep together.”

When Mary was watching her husband on his phone over by the bar and knowing that it was her daughter on the line and that something was wrong because he was doing the pacing thing. Mary just said to herself, “Don’t let yourself get distracted by that.”

ROLE IN SOCIETY AS A WOMAN

We mentioned that of the different people in this world, some are meant to be leaders, not followers and have innovative minds and strong convictions. Which one would Mary be ?

Mary at 58 years old, she still intimidated by so many people that she thinks are smarter than her. Which is why she is attracted to our WOW group. Because when you get together a group of women who are (bringing together) all these diverse things and to be able to draw something great from each other’s story , draw from other people’s strengths. “I think that’s a really great thing.”

POLITICS IN THE FUTURE?

“I don’t think so. I think I want everyone to come together. When you run for something, 1/2 are for you, are 1/2 are against you. All the decisions you make, you’re going to upset some people. I care too much for convening people. I believe that politics are for someone who is a little tougher than me, a little stronger, who would know how to manage those divides.”

APPEARANCE

We asked her If she has an appearance that would be kind of a preference for what she would be wearing. We talked about getting to a certain age where you must embrace your body and talked about a workshop WOW at the Peter White Library. Mary stated that “ I’m heavier than I ever was. I’m just not the same physically that I used to be. But you have to say (to yourself), well, it is who I am right now, today.”

” And today I have a job. My job is to communicate this great information to these wonderful people; not waste their time, but give them something that they will feel is valuable. And so way back in the old show days, I realized that You’re a package. You can be just a brown paper wrapper, but you’re not going to get as much attention as if you’re someone fabulous.” Some of us, we wear bold colors. Mary sees it as another perspective side of the other person’s preference that suits well. “You’re alive, and you’re sparkling, you’ve got great jewelry. These are all things that attract people to you so that they will listen to your story.” Mary complemented us.

People are attracted to pretty things, pretty flowers, but sometimes you find a “thorn.” Mary agrees that it’s more than visual. “You can put the most beautiful packaging on something, but if it isn’t pure and honest, if it doesn’t have integrity, and if it’s deceitful – people can smell it a mile away and they’re going to be turned away.”

THE MOST MEMORABLE “WOW” MOMENT

NEW BEACON HOUSE

For Mary, professionally, it would probably be the day that they asked Steve Mariucci if he would allow us to name the new Beacon House after him, because of all the commitment and all the hard work that he has done. It was one of the coolest days in Mary’s life. “ He was so touched by that. It’s a small thing for someone like him, a multimillionaire who travels the world. But I knew when we looked in his eyes that day, that he understood how much he meant to us as an organization. Did you know that he stayed with us when his mom was dying of cancer? He and the whole family, that’s where they stayed because they needed to be right next to the hospital. So, he’s got a history with us. That’s why he worked so hard with us (Beacon House). Just knowing we were going to do something permanent, and help people for a long time, that was really cool (for him).”

“The other one would definitely be my wedding day when I got to be Kevin’s wife and Tara and Patrick’s stepmom. They have a wonderful mother but when they’re in my house and we’re together they are my real children “

SECRET OF BEING WOW PERSON

” Well, hearing what you said about me, the only thing that I can think of that makes me special is that I’m very, very aware of how blessed I am. I am incredibly grateful every day that I am surrounded by wonderful people- a husband who adores me and children who love me. I live in Marquette on the greatest lake in the universe. I have the ability to go to work every day, not just a job, but actually, change people’s lives. So it is just stacked up – 20 layers of blessings. I guess when you are aware of how lucky you are, how blessed you are, it’s just really unique. I can be pretty excited about that.”

LOVE STORY

We asked Mary a very personal question such as “how’s your love life? We were all happy to hear what Mary said “ Wow! On a scale from one to ten, it’s about a fifty! “

Mary tells her story

” I was an usher at St. Peter’s Cathedral and I was ushering with this very sweet older man for about a year and a half. Every Sunday he would put his arm around me and say, ” I’d like to walk you down the aisle.” when we would go to bring the gifts up for communion. One Sunday I noticed this new guy in church. I had never seen him before, and he was so handsome. My heart was fluttering. He started to walk toward me. I thought, “Omigosh! He’s going to come to talk to me.” I’ve always had a boyfriend or whatever, but they just didn’t fluster me like this guy did. As he got closer and closer to me, I thought, I don’t know what I’m going to even say. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I was doing the whole insecurity thing- how’s my hair, how’s my lipstick ? He walks right up to the older man, and that was his Dad. He never even looked at me and he never noticed me. I was so mad- I left. The next Sunday that I ushered with his dad I said, “That would be your son.” And he replied: “Oh, do you know Kevin?” I said: “Not yet…”

The next time I saw him was at the beach. He had his kids with him. I was laying on my little towel reading a book. His daughter got right off the boat with her towel and laid it right down in front of me, nose to nose. She said: “Hi!” I just fell absolutely in love with her.

Kevin was going through the divorce at the time. I said to myself, “I’ll just wait. I don’t want to be part of all that. I’m not going to be part of another woman’s misery.” It was almost two years after they were divorced he was running through Shiras Hills. I think it was Halloween. He ran right up my driveway and rang my doorbell. I said: “Come in.” It was the weirdest thing. It was like we were just waiting for the right time. We’ve been together ever since. I was 49 years old when we got married. I waited 49 years to get married. I was engaged several times in my life, from 21 on, but it was never right. It was worth the wait. This is what I’d like to say to women who are older, “Don’t ever think that age is a factor. Don’t think I’m going to be thirty, I’m going to be forty, or whatever.”

PRIORITY

We mentioned that Mary’s remark on her spontaneity and naturalness. She is open enough to talk about her weight. Mary stated that sometimes there are women who relate to her better heavier than they could when she was skinny. “ I am working on it, but getting back to my old skinny self has not been my number one priority. As you get older you start to ask: “What’s the most important thing in my life right now?”

” Getting BEACON HOUSE is my number one thing. And being a good wife and mother. That’s the other part of my world.”

PERSONAL LIFE

When you are stressed out, what do you do? What do you enjoy with the love of your life, Kevin?

” I enjoy cooking for him. That is one of the things that brings me the most pleasure. Also, I love spending time with my mom, who is 89. I don’t spend nearly as much time with her as I would like because of my work schedule. She goes to bed before I’m even home from work. I call her every single morning on my way to work and we have a little visit, and then I visit her on the weekends. And I love it when the kids come home. Patrick is at Michigan Tech and Tara lives in Green Bay with her husband. The first thing I do is go grocery shopping for their favorite stuff. I like to have wonderful things appear in front of them. And good wine. That’s another thing I love.”

Thank you so much for sharing your life.

Constance Ann Arnold

Autobiography

Sometimes I imagine I hear my mother Kathleen’s voice saying, “It’s just a phase she’s going through.” In my hometown high school, I was labeled “the Brain,” the stereotype which preceded “Nerd.” I didn’t manage to break out of this stereotype until the 10th High School Reunion, when I was the runner-up for the “Most-Changed”award. (It might have had something to do with my leading a conga line off the dance floor and through the rest of the restaurant.)

My next phase was to try to define myself. Like most of my contemporaries I wanted to find a lifelong career which fit my talents and motivation. On the first day of college, I was no longer outstanding. As a matter of fact, I was student number 30 out of 30 in my program at Northwestern University. I had a lot of catching up to do. It cost me an extra year, but I persisted and finished the Honors Program in Medical Education and was accepted to Medical School at Northwestern. Still searching for an identity, I rotated through the various medical specialties, changing my favorite each year. Finally, I discovered Plastic Surgery. What a relief! An excellent fit! Plastic Surgery was fascinating, challenging, artistic, and rewarding.

Then came the phase of paring down extraneous personality traits to fit the surgical lifestyle. I learned hyper-efficient scheduling and surgical decision-making. Any activity that interfered with answering the beeper and rushing to the OR. was drastically modified. Gym fitness, not wilderness hiking. Hair pulled back in an elastic band, no hairspray or curls. Short stories, not novels. You get the picture

I remember the moment when my mother Kathleen finally realized my new status. She was a very intelligent woman who didn’t need to ask for advice from others. We were chatting on the phone and she mentioned that she had gotten water in her ear at swim class two days before and couldn’t get it out. The gurgling sound was really annoying her. “Turn your hairdryer onto the low setting and let it blow into your ear,”I suggested. About two minutes after we hung up, she called me back and said with a tone of astonishment, ”You really are a doctor!”

Next I moved into the “having it all”phase, the difficulties described by women trying to advance in a demanding career while having a family and raising children. I totally sympathized. I shared every pang of regret, frustration and self- doubt, and the years of sleep deprivation. My good fortune was to have a truly committed and supportive husband and plenty of understanding people who went beyond their duties – particularly our nanny, the people in my office, and long-suffering nurses at the hospital. I got away with years of overdrawing on my stores of physical and emotional strength.

I recognized that one slip and the whole house of cards would have come falling down, so I can empathize with women who lost one of these key supports and were forced to cut back drastically. I think my mother was kind of holding her breath for years, watching this tightrope act.

After years of rushing through life – skipping sixth grade, starting medical school at nineteen, passing the Board Examination in Plastic Surgery only 18 months after residency, I did something atypical. I retired early. The phase of experimentation followed. Could I live a life not defined by my surgical career? Fortunately, I had plenty of retirement advisors, including a couple of peers who had “flunked”retirement and wanted to return to surgery. Drawing on all this wisdom, I devised a plan for 75% retirement. If it didn’t make me happy, I still had my options open. My husband worked out a similar plan for himself, and on the same schedule. Having a three month-long vacation was fantastic: We took courses at Northern Michigan University and we were free to travel to “Third World”destinations for prolonged times without worrying about the practice. Coming back, on the other hand, was very comfortable, especially returning to the operating room where everything was so predictable ( and “First World”clean). I worked just as hard as ever, but for only one month. I performed this odd dance for four years, growing more impatient with the business side of medical practice and more covetous of liberty. The experiment was a success – I fully retired and went on to the next phase.

Out to pasture? Not quite. Now is our chance to fulfill all the civic responsibilities we had dodged during our years of practice. Worthwhile community organizations were in need of help and “fresh blood”to serve on their boards. So, we are learning the skills of grant writing, obtaining 501(c)3 status, and event planning. Enjoying playing in daylight hours and watching grandchildren grow up is an unexpected delight. I sure hope this phase of my life lasts a long time.

Constance Ann Gidcumb Arnold

9/13/2018